What a World

I am a member of a community forum on Facebook which deals with local issues in my area. It drives me insane because it gives me an insight into how pathetic we have become as a species.

Let’s look at a recent example:

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The complaint was about what a waste of council money the road sweeper who did this was. The lady was angry because the sweeper did not sweep tight to the kerb at the front of her house. Let’s hear from the lady herself…

No excuse! We pay our council tax like everyone else. When the council are so strapped for cash they need to do some value for money thinking. I very rarely get so het up about things but this has got me very cross!

Annoyed because the sweeper didn’t sweep the clean piece of tarmac in front of her lawn. Not just annoyed in fact, but ‘very cross’.

A couple of weeks ago we had an outraged lady on the forum. She had taken a childling to a nearby nature walk round a lake and to her absolute horror and disgust had seen a rat. She was demanding the council deal with the ‘infestation’ lest her child be damaged by nature.

Just last week a lady expressed her great relief that the large tree which was growing over the public footpath had uprooted during a late night downpour without causing a mass extinction event. Turns out she had complained about it annually as it could fall and kill someone. It had been there 100 years. The council checked it for stability every year. But you never know…

At the start of the summer a lady complained that her children couldn’t play in certain parts of the park because the grass was long. Long grass is now a health risk due to containing nature. And we all know nature kills.

Weeds on pavement was another recent gripe, not primarily due to the horrendous unsightliness of nature spoiling our perfect miles of black tarmacadam, no the complaint was that the blades of grass peeking through the odd crack were – and I shit you not – aggravating her hay fever.

All our Email have disclaimers to say that no matter what we say, we don’t necessarily mean it and you can’t hold us to it.

We are told that our coffee may be hot.

You must mind the step.

Do not drink poison.

No peanuts. Anywhere. Ever. Lest we kill someone.

Cycling helmets. Always.

No drugs. Drink responsibly. No smoking.

ABS. SIPS. Collision detection. Lane assist. Bloody Parking assist. Airbags

No diving, petting or bombing.

Recycle. Everything. In case we all drown.

No carbs. No meat. No dairy

No diesel.

No farting.

No swearing.

No riding BMX’s over jumps. Wear your shoulder and knee pads.

No swimming in the sea.

No speeding.

Don’t mention skin colour, race, religion, sex, hair colour, shape or size.

No no no don’t dont don’t

Sue everyone for everything bad that happens.

Nobody should ever have to die.



Wrap my fleshy wobbly frail pastey-white pen-pusher excuse of a body wrapped in dead kangaroo round a fuck-off big red hot engine, tuned to the nuts, suspended on springs with a hair trigger throttle and gut-wrenching brakes and point it round a twisty track alongside 35 other idiots and let’s see who can go fastest.

Because that’s what life is really about.


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